The Childfree Horse

No children to stop me from running around the beach like the stalion that I am

I have read a number of articles from the childfree community, I've even followed the hashtags on twitter to see what they say.  To be fair, many of their arguments are valid.  Here is a really popular blog called Childfreedom.  A lot of the childfree argument is about doing the world a favor by not contributing anymore people to our already overpopulated, overpolluted and resource strained world.  Another factor that's huge in the argument?  MONEY.  Think of how much better financially you would be doing if you didn't have to fork it all over for after school sports, summer camps and daycare.  And last but certainly not least... TIME.  What parent that you know wouldn't love more time with their partner or for themselves for that matter?  Here is a great article by a psychologist loving her childfree life that pretty much sums it up.

While I've always considered myself different from the crowd, a bit of a misfit, someone who scoffs in the face of normal conventional living (I mean seriously I shoud've been raised in a nude commune with home schooling and travel based education),  on this topic unfortunately I find my feelings on the subject following the sheep.  I want a baby and I want one before I'm 35.  I don't give a shit about having enough money or being exhausted or the fact that it could be a strain on my social life.  I feel like I want to focus on another little creature that I help create and comes out of my tummy.  That sounds so conventional and boring, so UNLIKE ME! 

I think my husband can really identify with these people in a strong way according the some of the arguments he's given me about why he has doubts about having kids, and if you read about our problem you'll see why this is a tough situation for us.  I however can't feel like them nor envision my life like theirs.  I understand them and there is secretly a part of me that wishes I could climb on that childfree horse and ride off into the sunset with my husband so we could live unconventionally ever after.  But somehow I just can't...

The problem

I'm depressed I'm not going to lie. The reason I started this whole thing in the first place was to find somewhere to write about the painful and personal things happening in my life without having my husband and aunts all reading about it. 

At work I try not to cry and basically can't focus on anything.  Not that I have a very important job anyways so not getting much done seems to be not a problem.  The problem is keeping myself together enough not to start balling in front of my co-workers.  They all seem to notice, they make comments about how I look tired, and shouldn't I be happy that it's a 3 day weekend?  I just smile.  It's not like I'm going to sit down and pour out my personal and very insignificant to them problems.  Being depressed sucks and I've dealt with it before so I'm smart enough to know that this too will pass (how fucking cliche right?) Anyways there is of course an event that lead to me becoming depressed, at least in my experience it's always been something that triggers it. 

When me and my husband got married, we agreed to have a kid. I remember him telling me before we met he had never wanted kids and since I wanted 2 kids we could compromise on 1.  We even tossed around ideas for names and kid raising strategies. To be honest, when I was single I was not sure I would meet a person and get married, but I was sure I would have a kid.  I didn't know when or how, but I knew I would somehow make it work. 

Fast forward to a few months ago.  I told him I wanted to start trying to have a baby in like a year, figuring that was plenty of time to get our shit together.  He was outraged, upset, thought I was CRAZY.  NO WAY could we have a baby anytime soon!  I got upset we had a heated discussion.  Finally at the end of the night he told me we could try to have a kid but I could tell he was incredibly pissed off and upset about it.  In the morning I woke up and he was wide awake having obviously not slept well.  He told me he had thought about it and didn't want a child now, couldn't see it in his future and didn't know if he ever would want it. I cried, we both cried.  Then we had discussions for weeks that led nowhere.  Just round and round the same topic.  No conclusion.  I finally thought that taking the pressure off of him might help so I told him we could not talk about it and revisit the topic in a year.  He was very happy with that idea.

After about two months I couldn't hold it in any longer.  I talked to him about it and told him I had to know I couldn't wait a year to find out how he felt on the topic.  His answer? I DON"T KNOW.  That's all he knows is that he doesn't know.  I feel like a trapped and scared animal. 

After this weekend I had yet another serious discussion with him and told him he has to make up his mind, he chooses me the way I was when we got married (including our agreeement to have a kid) or not.  He then got very upset because he said he had no idea that I loved having a baby more then him.  After like a week of living basically in a hell in our house, daily crying sessions and more discussions that led absolutely nowhere....

We decided to take a shower together after crying for 2 hours. We hugged and cried some more and I tried to paint a picture of him of the positives of having a child and a family.  He asked me repeatedly if I would leave him if he doesn't want a baby, so then I responded with the truth: I DON"T KNOW.  I can't imagine not being a mother but I can't imagine walking away from my marriage either.  As he was hugging me, he told me "I feel like something is dying inside of me" and I responded "That's how it feels when it ends".

He then put an offer on the table which I have no idea if it is sincere or just pure desperation. He offered that in two and a half years  we could start trying to have a baby, we would leave it up to mother nature meaning if I can't have a baby no adopting.  By the way at that time I will be 35.  I of course accepted the offer and we went to sleep, the first night in a long time where I actually slept.

We went to a counseling session the next day that I had arranged weeks ago.  He felt like the counselor was on my side, and maybe he was.  He said he couldn't trust him and I can tell by how he talks about the session that he's still upset about it.  The counselor was also skeptical about his offer to have a baby in 2.5 years. 

I'm trying to convince him to go to counseling again saying that he can pick the next counselor.  He says he doesn't know and doesn't think a counselor can necessarily help.  I'm basically pleading with him every day to go to another counselor.  He is not sleeping and I can see in him that it's eating him up.