Will I ever be a mom?

I'm reminded of a time in my life when I was in my late 20's and single.  I was feeling lonely, sad and started to think I would never find someone. Never find a person I could make a life with. Although I was in a serious long-term relationship Young from 17 -22, by the time I was 28 I was starting to feel like maybe there wasn't anyone else out there for me.  In a period of 7 years I never had anything serious, it always didn't work out for some reason or another (me or them usually a combination of both.) 

I realized I wasn't very good at being single, or dating and somewhere along the way I had lost my self esteem and was kind of desperate.  I wanted to find someone to build a life with only the problem was I was driving them away in droves by coming off as desperate and needy (low self-esteem is not attractive.) Even though I had a lot going for me I couldn't value myself.  So one day I started crying for no reason in public places and figured it was time to get help.  I went to a therapist for about 9 months and he really helped me turn around.  He helped me see the value in myself that I lost somewhere in my 20s. 

Somewhere around that time when I felt like I had given up on finding someone, I unexpectedly met my husband.  We instantly came together and even though our situation seemed impossible, we made it work. I remember thinking that at any moment it was going to fall apart for about the first year.  Yet it didn't. We seemed more determined than ever to be together.  It seemd like my waiting was finally over and a happy ending was in sight.

But life doesn't end when you get married like in the movies.  Oh look they got married how great now they get to live together for the rest of their lives and it's all peachy.  It seems that about March when I told my husband I wanted to start planning a baby, he unleashed his true feelings: he doesn't know if he wants kids ever.

It's been a rough road ever since, sometimes we have periods of time where everything is good if we don't talk about the baby issue, but as soon as it comes back up (because these things don't just dissapear) we are back to crying and talking in circles.  Sometimes I wonder if I just could forsee the future if it would be so hard.  For example when I was 28 and sad thinking I would never find someone, if I could have seen that at 30 I would have been getting married would that have snapped me out of it? Allowed me to just enjoy my life knowing that it was coming?  If I could see the future now and see myself having a baby at whatever age would that help the crying bouts and deep sadness I feel inside? I really don't know.  And at this point I really don't know if I will ever be a mom.

More thoughts on the baby issue

So it's been a few months since I talked about our problem, time has passed, we're still married (thank god!).  But our problem is not resolved.  Of course things are never that simple when searching for the answer to a life changing event like having a child. 

Things we've tried:

We went to a counselor, that was a disaster. The counselor clearly took my side and wanted to show that my husband had been lying all along and never wanted kids.  The counselor was also clearly deeply religious and had the last supper as a tile all across the top of the wall behind him.  So you're looking at him and glancing at Jesus looking down at you. awkward. Let me just throw in here neither me nor my husband are tied to any organized religion and my husband clearly defines himself as an atheist. It made it all the more awkward when the therapist kept mentioning God.  My husband doesn't care if the therapist was religious or not but did not like it being brought into our conversation about kids.

I asked him to pick another therapist but he was ambivilent.

We then decided to try working it out on our own.

I bought a book about a couple who had worked through their issues on their own using exercises and regular talks.  We've had some regular talks, about every other week, but they seem to lead back to our difference of opinion on the matter and usually I end up crying until we give up and wait for our next talk.  He talks about his opinion I talk about mine.

I want a baby I wanna be a mommy, he likes our life the way it is and wants to keep it that way etc.

I don't want to divorce, and actually I feel like since our decision to work this out on our own we have a very strong bond and tell each other we love each other every day.  I feel closer to him somehow and at the same time there is that doubt that we'll have to split some day...

A psychic told my mom she sees a little girl, my mom is convinced that he will want a baby once I get pregnant and it will all work out. I'm not so convinced as she is.  I know my husband and when he tells me he might not be able to handle it I believe him.  But then the question comes back to, can I handle not being a mother?

Anonymous blogging

Who are you?

I'm going to tell the truth, this isn't my first anonymous blog. I started one a loooooooooooooooooonng time ago when I wasn't that much younger but I had a totally different life.  At the time I was frustrated and self loathing and involved with a married man (yes yes I know how horrible of a person must you be to be involved with a married man!) hence the anonymity.  I probably judged myself as harshly as anyone else did and did a lot of crying, sole searching and reflecting on the blog.  Probably didn't have many readers because let's face it?  You don't want to read about a depressed out girl who is involved with a jerk of a married man, who by the way was so not worth it.

The good news is on my own I ended things with him, did not tell his wife and moved on with my life.  I later seeked some therapy and worked through many issues I had apparently accumulated over the years that I'm sure got me in that jam in the first place - by the way if you're involved with a married man it's not love that got you there, promise.  By the time I met my husband the married guy was 86'd from my life and I had pretty much worked through a lot of the tough stuff and I stopped seeing my therapist shortly after we started dating. I felt like a new chapter in my life was opening up to all kinds of new possiblities and I have to say I partly had my anonymous blog to thank for that, and my therapist of course.

After I started this one though, I started reading up on a few bloggers who were "outed" from behind their curtain of namelessness in the blogosphere.  I wanted to know why a court would order google or anyone else to expose a blogger's identity. 

Here are some cases I came up with:

Virginia Montanez - Pitt Girl, she blogged crap about the local mayor, people wanted to find out who she was

Jeanne Devon - Talked a lot of shit about Sarah Palin probably all true but they wanted her to cut it out so they outed her

Ed Whelan - Pissed off a politician and got outed, I think we all see a trend here...

So bottom line don't talk a lot of shit about politicians or private detectives and you can probably keep yourself anonymous, the truth of the matter is most people don't really care if you're anonymous, they just start acting like they're still in high school when you point out their flaws, however true they may be (I'm sure every one of these politicians deserved to have shit talked about them!)

It must be something in the water...

Every time I see this...

The other night me and my husband are watching reruns of Friends (I still love that show!).  In the episode we are watching Chandler gets all freaked out because he has just made a commitment to be in a relationship with Monica and he thinks she's thinking about marriage and babies.  He yells at her "I know what you're thinking, you're thinking about MARRIAGE and BABIES! You have baby fever!". 

Me and my husband of course laughed at the comical charade as that's what silly TV shows are for and my husband turns to me and says "You have baby fever".  He said it in that half joking half serious way when you know someone is trying to tell you something lightly. 

I sat back and thought about it and I guess he's right, I guess I do have baby fever:


I become this!









I can't beleive this is happening to me! I've never felt this way before.  I was in a serious relationship when I was younger and my ex used to pressure me to have kids, I refused. I stood my ground and said I was too young and didn't want that yet.  Now almost 10 years after we broke up, I want it and I apparently have become one of those annoying baby fever ladies that I always was weary of because they kind of freaked me out with their incessant talk of baby everything.  I decided I was never getting baby fever....

Just goes to show you life has an opposite plan to laugh in your face!  I don't know what to do about it though, babysit? Somehow I don't think that will help.





Any other suggestions (besides having a baby right now) would be welcome.

Sex lasting for hours isn't every woman's fantasy



 When me and my husband first started having sex, he was unable to ejaculate.  Granted he was recovering from being very ill, so we chalked it up to him not being 100% healthy.  Eventually we had sex and he ejaculated normally. I thought the problem was over.  WRONG.

Me and my husband's sex life was always a bit strained due to this because we never knew if when we started having sex it was going to be a normal amount of time with ejaculation, a long extended amount of time like an hour or more and he would finally ejaculate, or if we would have sex for so long his penis would finally be too sore and he would lose the erection.  Either way it causes a stress on the relationship.  The delayed ejaculation is an intermittent problem.  Sometimes we have sex and he can come in 15 - 20 minutes and it's an enjoyable experience.  The last two time we've had sex however he has not been able to ejaculate and I know it's been very frustrating for him.

I try to talk to him about it and I suggested that he see a doctor, maybe there was something they could do to help.  He got VERY defensive and said he doesn't need to see a doctor because 95% of the time he comes.  Well that is not totally correct, I think he comes less then that and there are many times when he does come eventually, but after soooooooooooooooooooooo long it makes me sore.

I've had thoughts that his low sex drive is related to the delayed ejaculation (for example he feels like it's too much of a task to take on having sex if it's going to last over an hour and he may not come), and I've also had thoughts that it's related subconciously to the fact that he has doubts about having children.  I have no idea if these ideas are in fact correct or just me reaching for some kind of explanation.

Sex drives




  It's funny because when you're single and sexually frustrated, you imagine the solution will be to get into a committed relationship so you can have sex all the time (or at least this was the way I imagined it when I was single for so many years).  The problem is when you're married and sexually frustrated because you have a higher sex drive then your husband.

Thank god for the internet and finding women who are experiencing the same thing to make me feel normal.  The truth of the matter is in pretty much every relationship I've been in I've usually had a higher sex drive then the man.  When I met my husband I told him about my high sex drive and of course he thought it was "cool".  Then as our relationship grew and we started living together the sex tapered off. I've been in a serious relationship before so I know how sex decreases as your relationship grows into more of a routine then an exciting new passtime.

However I was hoping we could even out to about 3 times per week and my husband can barely be prodded to do it once a week often times going 2 weeks or more between sex.  When we moved, we didn't have sex for a month, he was simply not in the mood and apparently the work and stress of moving was too much to make him horney.  I finally had to break down crying pointing out to him on a calendar how long it had been before he agreed to have sex with me again. 

I've talked to him about it and begged him to talk to his doctor. He refuses and says he doesn't have any kind of problem.  I tell him he's young and if his sex drive is this low when he's in his thirties imagine as time goes on!  He insists that doctors would only give him testosterone that could cause other problems for him and he doesn't want it.  I do understand that point, so I looked into a natural libido enhancer and found Maca, a root from Peru.  I have been trying so hard to get him to try this and so far he's been blowing me off. 

The problem is it's seen in our society as "normal" for a man to have a higher sex drive then a woman, but when it's reversed most men don't seem to want to talk about it.  I love my husband and certainly don't want to have sex with another person.  I just want him to want to have it a little more often!

Plan B

After Memorial Day I've come to the conclusion that 3 day weekends should be the norm and not the exception.  I didn't do anything exciting this weekend but it did give me a chance to have an extra day to get stuff done and visit with a friend from out of town.  Score.

This was the first weekend in a while I didn't cry and I was actually able to sleep 8 full hours.  I feel that in itself is an accomplishment.  My husband agreed to see a counselor in 2 weeks and even though I know he put the offer on the table for trying for a baby in 2 and a half years, he did admit to me that he was scared.  I see that as a good thing because at least we can talk about it.  I think we are nowhere near our happy state before I asked him if we could start trying to have a baby but, I do see him trying and I myself am also going to try as hard as I can.

At one point he whispered to me in bed: I'm scared and can't help it
I whispered back: let's stay married and just work it out, maybe we can't see the solution now but we will find it.

He agreed. 

I hate to admit it but I've made a plan B.  I hate that I've done that but I feel like it's a bit of a coping mechanism to deal with all of the uncertainty happening in our marriage.  I love my husband more then I can say.  We both love each other a lot and I don't doubt his love for a minute.  I am scared though, that if he comes to the conclusion that he doesn't want a child for reals,  I may eventually have to leave.  Not because I love having a baby more then him (it seems he may feel this way a little) but because I can't picture my life without a child.  I can't picture myself not being a mother, and when I try it's very painful and unreal. 

My plan B includes moving in with my parents if we were to seperate, getting a job and saving as much money as I can save.  Then buying a house and adopting a child from foster care on my own and taking it from there.  My first goal would not be to run out and try to find another mate to impregnate me.  I feel that it's such a difficult process finding a mate you are compatible with in the first place and I would be so unready for another relationship right away, I would need to just focus on myself and making the effort to become a mother on my own.  I guess it makes me feel like I have more control of my life and decisions.

Plans never usually go as you expect so who's to say it would even happen like this, but it does at least give me a little more peace knowing that there is another path to my dream of being a mother.

The Childfree Horse

No children to stop me from running around the beach like the stalion that I am

I have read a number of articles from the childfree community, I've even followed the hashtags on twitter to see what they say.  To be fair, many of their arguments are valid.  Here is a really popular blog called Childfreedom.  A lot of the childfree argument is about doing the world a favor by not contributing anymore people to our already overpopulated, overpolluted and resource strained world.  Another factor that's huge in the argument?  MONEY.  Think of how much better financially you would be doing if you didn't have to fork it all over for after school sports, summer camps and daycare.  And last but certainly not least... TIME.  What parent that you know wouldn't love more time with their partner or for themselves for that matter?  Here is a great article by a psychologist loving her childfree life that pretty much sums it up.

While I've always considered myself different from the crowd, a bit of a misfit, someone who scoffs in the face of normal conventional living (I mean seriously I shoud've been raised in a nude commune with home schooling and travel based education),  on this topic unfortunately I find my feelings on the subject following the sheep.  I want a baby and I want one before I'm 35.  I don't give a shit about having enough money or being exhausted or the fact that it could be a strain on my social life.  I feel like I want to focus on another little creature that I help create and comes out of my tummy.  That sounds so conventional and boring, so UNLIKE ME! 

I think my husband can really identify with these people in a strong way according the some of the arguments he's given me about why he has doubts about having kids, and if you read about our problem you'll see why this is a tough situation for us.  I however can't feel like them nor envision my life like theirs.  I understand them and there is secretly a part of me that wishes I could climb on that childfree horse and ride off into the sunset with my husband so we could live unconventionally ever after.  But somehow I just can't...

The problem

I'm depressed I'm not going to lie. The reason I started this whole thing in the first place was to find somewhere to write about the painful and personal things happening in my life without having my husband and aunts all reading about it. 

At work I try not to cry and basically can't focus on anything.  Not that I have a very important job anyways so not getting much done seems to be not a problem.  The problem is keeping myself together enough not to start balling in front of my co-workers.  They all seem to notice, they make comments about how I look tired, and shouldn't I be happy that it's a 3 day weekend?  I just smile.  It's not like I'm going to sit down and pour out my personal and very insignificant to them problems.  Being depressed sucks and I've dealt with it before so I'm smart enough to know that this too will pass (how fucking cliche right?) Anyways there is of course an event that lead to me becoming depressed, at least in my experience it's always been something that triggers it. 

When me and my husband got married, we agreed to have a kid. I remember him telling me before we met he had never wanted kids and since I wanted 2 kids we could compromise on 1.  We even tossed around ideas for names and kid raising strategies. To be honest, when I was single I was not sure I would meet a person and get married, but I was sure I would have a kid.  I didn't know when or how, but I knew I would somehow make it work. 

Fast forward to a few months ago.  I told him I wanted to start trying to have a baby in like a year, figuring that was plenty of time to get our shit together.  He was outraged, upset, thought I was CRAZY.  NO WAY could we have a baby anytime soon!  I got upset we had a heated discussion.  Finally at the end of the night he told me we could try to have a kid but I could tell he was incredibly pissed off and upset about it.  In the morning I woke up and he was wide awake having obviously not slept well.  He told me he had thought about it and didn't want a child now, couldn't see it in his future and didn't know if he ever would want it. I cried, we both cried.  Then we had discussions for weeks that led nowhere.  Just round and round the same topic.  No conclusion.  I finally thought that taking the pressure off of him might help so I told him we could not talk about it and revisit the topic in a year.  He was very happy with that idea.

After about two months I couldn't hold it in any longer.  I talked to him about it and told him I had to know I couldn't wait a year to find out how he felt on the topic.  His answer? I DON"T KNOW.  That's all he knows is that he doesn't know.  I feel like a trapped and scared animal. 

After this weekend I had yet another serious discussion with him and told him he has to make up his mind, he chooses me the way I was when we got married (including our agreeement to have a kid) or not.  He then got very upset because he said he had no idea that I loved having a baby more then him.  After like a week of living basically in a hell in our house, daily crying sessions and more discussions that led absolutely nowhere....

We decided to take a shower together after crying for 2 hours. We hugged and cried some more and I tried to paint a picture of him of the positives of having a child and a family.  He asked me repeatedly if I would leave him if he doesn't want a baby, so then I responded with the truth: I DON"T KNOW.  I can't imagine not being a mother but I can't imagine walking away from my marriage either.  As he was hugging me, he told me "I feel like something is dying inside of me" and I responded "That's how it feels when it ends".

He then put an offer on the table which I have no idea if it is sincere or just pure desperation. He offered that in two and a half years  we could start trying to have a baby, we would leave it up to mother nature meaning if I can't have a baby no adopting.  By the way at that time I will be 35.  I of course accepted the offer and we went to sleep, the first night in a long time where I actually slept.

We went to a counseling session the next day that I had arranged weeks ago.  He felt like the counselor was on my side, and maybe he was.  He said he couldn't trust him and I can tell by how he talks about the session that he's still upset about it.  The counselor was also skeptical about his offer to have a baby in 2.5 years. 

I'm trying to convince him to go to counseling again saying that he can pick the next counselor.  He says he doesn't know and doesn't think a counselor can necessarily help.  I'm basically pleading with him every day to go to another counselor.  He is not sleeping and I can see in him that it's eating him up.