Plan B

After Memorial Day I've come to the conclusion that 3 day weekends should be the norm and not the exception.  I didn't do anything exciting this weekend but it did give me a chance to have an extra day to get stuff done and visit with a friend from out of town.  Score.

This was the first weekend in a while I didn't cry and I was actually able to sleep 8 full hours.  I feel that in itself is an accomplishment.  My husband agreed to see a counselor in 2 weeks and even though I know he put the offer on the table for trying for a baby in 2 and a half years, he did admit to me that he was scared.  I see that as a good thing because at least we can talk about it.  I think we are nowhere near our happy state before I asked him if we could start trying to have a baby but, I do see him trying and I myself am also going to try as hard as I can.

At one point he whispered to me in bed: I'm scared and can't help it
I whispered back: let's stay married and just work it out, maybe we can't see the solution now but we will find it.

He agreed. 

I hate to admit it but I've made a plan B.  I hate that I've done that but I feel like it's a bit of a coping mechanism to deal with all of the uncertainty happening in our marriage.  I love my husband more then I can say.  We both love each other a lot and I don't doubt his love for a minute.  I am scared though, that if he comes to the conclusion that he doesn't want a child for reals,  I may eventually have to leave.  Not because I love having a baby more then him (it seems he may feel this way a little) but because I can't picture my life without a child.  I can't picture myself not being a mother, and when I try it's very painful and unreal. 

My plan B includes moving in with my parents if we were to seperate, getting a job and saving as much money as I can save.  Then buying a house and adopting a child from foster care on my own and taking it from there.  My first goal would not be to run out and try to find another mate to impregnate me.  I feel that it's such a difficult process finding a mate you are compatible with in the first place and I would be so unready for another relationship right away, I would need to just focus on myself and making the effort to become a mother on my own.  I guess it makes me feel like I have more control of my life and decisions.

Plans never usually go as you expect so who's to say it would even happen like this, but it does at least give me a little more peace knowing that there is another path to my dream of being a mother.